Seeing Sideways - The Self-Serving Bias: Why We Claim the Wins and Dodge the Blame

“Growth doesn’t come from protecting the ego. It comes from seeing clearly what you did well, what you missed, and where you could do better.”

Do you protect your ego at the cost of your growth?

In this episode of Seeing Sideways, I unpack the self-serving bias—our tendency to claim credit for success while shifting blame for failure. Discover how this hidden mental shortcut shields the ego but limits growth, and learn practical strategies to replace self-protection with self-honesty, accountability, and resilience.

Key Takeaway Insights and Tools

• Recognize the self-serving bias (01:16) – We credit our wins to talent and hard work but blame failures on outside forces, protecting self-esteem while blocking growth.
• The evolutionary twist (03:55) – This bias once helped maintain confidence and social standing, but in today’s world it can backfire, limiting learning from failure.
• The cost of denial (04:43) – In relationships and workplaces, constant externalizing of blame undermines empathy, accountability, and self-reflection.
• The contrarian move (06:01) – Replace self-protection with self-honesty. Treat success and failure as data, not as proof of worth.
• Practical tools to counter the bias:
  • Own your part (06:30) – Ask, “What role did I play in this outcome?”
  • Share the credit (07:15) – Acknowledge others’ contributions to build humility and trust.
  • Invite feedback (07:44) – Seek input on what you missed; treat it as fuel, not threat.
  • Reframe failure (08:00) – Write down lessons and what you’ll try differently next time.

If this episode gave you a new perspective, share it with someone who might benefit. And don’t forget to subscribe to It’s an Inside Job so you won’t miss the next bias we uncover.

Host Bio

Jason White Birkevold Liem is a resilience coach, author of Seeing Sideways, and host of It’s an Inside Job. He helps leaders, coaches, and professionals strengthen resilience, improve communication, and build clarity from the inside out. Connect with Jason at www.mindtalk.no or follow him on LinkedIn.

Chapters

• 0:16 Introduction to the Podcast
• 1:42 Practical Tips for Everyday Challenges

Transcript

0:07

Ever catch yourself focusing on what's wrong instead of what's possible? Or judging someone too quickly only to realize you were off? That's not a flaw. It's your brain doing what it was wired to do, taking shortcuts. In this special series, we're walking through my book, Seeing Sideways, One Chapter at a Time. Each episode explores a powerful cognitive bias that quietly shapes how we think, choose, and connect. These mental shortcuts helped our ancestors to survive. But today, they can cloud judgment, limit perspective, and chip away at well-being. So this isn't about fixing your brain. It's about understanding it so you can lead yourself with clarity, respond with intention, and build resilience from the inside out. Well, welcome back. Today, we are going to explore the second cognitive bias behind part two, the stories we tell ourselves. These sets of biases isn't just about how we see the world. It's about how we see ourselves, our competence, our identity, the choice and our past. These biases shape the stories we tell about who we are, what we deserve, and what we've done, and why we've acted the way we do. And because they operate closer to the ego, they're much harder to spot and let go of. So in this episode, we are going to uncover and discover the self-serving bias, which is a bias that protects the ego at all costs. Now, the self-serving bias is the tendency to attribute our successes to our efforts and abilities while blaming external factors for our failures. When we succeed, it's because of our hard work, our intelligence, our talent. But when things go wrong, we point to the weather, we blame our team, we blame it simply on bad luck or any other external reason. Now, this bias serves our ego, protecting us from discomfort of failure. But it also prevents growth by avoiding personal accountability. At its core, self-serving bias helps preserve self-esteem. If we took full responsibility for our failures, we might feel less capable and less motivated. By externalizing blame, we protect our fragile sense of worth. But in doing so, we avoid learning from our mistakes and make it harder to see where we can improve. The Trap. Imagine you've just nailed a big presentation of work. You think, I did an amazing job. I'm so good at this. You attribute the success to your preparation, to your communication skills, and to your confidence. But when a colleague struggles in a similar situation, you might think the software was glitchy or the client was unprepared. You quickly point to external factors giving them the benefit of the doubt, something you might not have done for yourself if you had failed. This is the self-serving bias in action. We own our wins, but distance ourselves or others from failures. The same happens with fitness. When we hit our goals, we say it's because of our discipline, our dedication. Did you miss a workout this week? Well, then we blame the weather or our schedule. The trap is that this bias shields us from discomfort and self-awareness. Growth requires owning both our wins and our misses. The twist. The self-serving bias likely evolved as a way to maintain social standing and confidence. In our evolutionary past, feeling good about ourselves was crucial for maintaining a strong social position and attracting mates. If we constantly felt like failures, engaging in the competitive world around us would be much harder. Focusing on our successes, we maintained social and emotional resilience, which helped us survive in a world where self-worth was tied up to our group standing. Now, in our modern society, this bias helps us manage stress and uncertainty. It prevents us from feeling overwhelmed by failure, which could be psychologically crippling. However, this bias can backfire in today's world of constant feedback and social comparison. Instead of seeing failure as an opportunity for growth, we use it to maintain an inflated sense of self, eliminating the possibility of learning from our mistakes. The cost. The self-suffering bias is costly in multiple ways. In relationships, well, it can lead to a lack of empathy and accountability. If you always blame your partner for arguments, you avoid considering your role in the conflict. In the workplace, well, this bias prevents leaders and employees from being fully honest with themselves and others. It makes team dynamics harder to improve and growth opportunities, well, difficult to recognize. When we constantly externalize blame, we also healthily stop being critical of our actions. Without honest self-reflection, well, we miss the chance to improve. We might sabotage our success by not acknowledging where we could have done better. Instead of evolving, we stay stuck, unable to move forward or adapt. The self-serving bias also distorts our ability to handle criticism. When someone offers feedback, we might dismiss it, convinced they're simply wrong or unfair, rather than considering the value in what they say. This emotional shield keeps us from learning and growing and developing, reinforcing the idea that we don't need to change. The Contrarian Move The antidote to self-serving bias isn't self-blame, it's self-honesty. Growth doesn't come from protecting the ego. It comes from seeing clearly what you did well, what you missed, and where you could do better. When we stop framing success and failure as evidence of who we are, and instead treat them as data, well, we move from defensiveness to development. Own your part. Shift from blame to agency. When something goes wrong, it's easy to point outward. But clarity begins when you turn that lens inward. Ask, what role did I play in this outcome? Because this isn't about guilt. It's about agency. When you own your part, you reclaim your power to improve. You stop seeing failure as a proof of inadequacy and start seeing it as information. The most resilient people aren't the ones who never make mistakes. They're the ones who learn fastest from the ones they do. Share the credit. Rebalance the narrative. When things go well, it's tempting to hoard the credit, but acknowledging the role of others doesn't diminish your contribution. It elevates your leadership. Practice saying things like, I couldn't have done it without the team, or her input really changed the game. Noticing how others helped you succeed builds trust, it builds humility, and a more accurate picture of how progress actually happens. Invite uncomfortable feedback. Build growth muscles. Now, it's easy to hear praise. It's harder, but more valuable, to listen to what you missed. Instead of waiting for feedback, seek it. Ask, what's one thing I didn't notice? Or, if this had gone better, what would have made the difference? Feedback is not a threat to your self-worth. It's your fuel for your next move. Over time, a willingness to hear what's hard becomes one of your greatest strengths. Reframe failure from threat to teacher. Failure doesn't mean you're broken. It means you're trying. But only if you let it teach you. When something doesn't go your way, write down what you learned, what you missed, and what you'll try differently next time. This process doesn't weaken your confidence, it grounds it. You're not pretending to be perfect, you're proving you're adaptable. And that's far more powerful, far more resilient. Clarity is resilience. Resilient people don't protect their ego, they protect their growth. They know that real confidence comes from not being right, but from willing to improve. By stepping out of self-protection and into self-awareness, they unlock a deeper, more durable strength. One that isn't shaken by failure because it's built on honesty. Pretty much, mistakes aren't a mark of failure. They're a sign of growth. The more you own them, the stronger you become. As usual, I'd like to leave you with a little thought homework if you wish to do it. I want you to think of a recent mistake. It could be small, it could be big. Where your first reaction was to defend or blame. Now then I want you to ask, what part of this outcome was mine to own? What did I learn? How might I respond differently next time? Write your thoughts down. One moment of radical honesty, well, it can shift your entire trajectory. So the next time something doesn't go your way, pause before blaming anything external and ask yourself, what's one thing I could have done differently? That simple step of ownership can shift your entire relationship with failure and progress. And next week, we're going to explore the third cognitive bias. And that is the cognitive dissonance bias. why I'm feeling like you're always right or why it can be dangerous. Thanks for listening to this episode of Seeing Sideways. These biases aren't flaws. They're part of how our brains make sense of a complex world. But with awareness, we can move from reaction to reflection, from assumption to intention. So if today's episode offered you a new perspective, please share it with someone who might benefit it because the real work of thinking clearly, choosing wisely, and leading with purpose, well, it's all an inside job. See you next time. Music.